After a funeral
What to write in funeral thank-you cards
If you are reading this you are probably looking at a pile of cards you do not have the energy for. The most useful thing to say first is that they can be short, they can be late, and you do not have to send one to everybody.
Two or three sentences is a complete card. Name the specific thing the person did, say it helped, and sign on behalf of the family. There is no deadline, and nobody is keeping count.
Who conventionally receives one
Anyone who did something specific rather than simply attending:
- Sent flowers, a card or a message
- Made a donation in place of flowers
- Brought food, or organised the food
- Travelled a long way to be there
- Spoke, read, played or sang
- Carried or accompanied the coffin
- Helped with the arrangements, the house or the paperwork
- Cared for them - palliative teams, nurses, a GP of many years
- A workplace that sent something collectively, or covered someone’s absence
People who only attended do not conventionally need a card, though plenty of families send them and it is always well received. If the list is long, start with the people who did something practical.
Wording
Adapt these. The only sentence that has to be yours is the one naming what they actually did.
For flowers
- “Thank you for the flowers you sent for Dad’s service. They were beautiful, and it meant a great deal to see them there.”
For attending
- “Thank you for being at Mum’s funeral. Looking out and seeing so many people who knew her was the part that got us through the day.”
- “Thank you for coming, and for the things you said about Peter afterwards. We have thought about them a lot since.”
For a donation
- “Thank you for your donation to the Heart Foundation in Margaret’s name. She would have been very pleased that is where it went.”
For food, or for practical help
- “Thank you for the meals you left in those first weeks. We were not managing much, and it mattered more than you would think.”
- “Thank you for everything you did with the arrangements. We would not have got through that fortnight without you.”
For travelling
- “Thank you for coming all the way from Perth. It was a long way for one day and we were so glad you were there.”
For those who cared for them
- “Thank you for the care you gave our mother in her last months. Your kindness to her, and to us, is something the family will not forget.”
For the celebrant, the pallbearers and the funeral director
Not obligatory, and nobody is expecting one. People who do this work are thanked rarely enough that a card is remembered.
- “Thank you for the service. You had never met him and you got him right, which several people said afterwards.”
- “Thank you for carrying Dad. I know he would have found it funny that it took the six of you, and I was very glad it was you.”
- “Thank you for looking after the arrangements. You made a fortnight we were dreading considerably easier than it would have been.”
For a workplace or a group
- “Thank you all for the flowers and for the message you sent. It was a comfort to know how well he was thought of at work.”
Signing them
“The family of the late Margaret Hill” is the formal convention. “The Hill family” is fine and warmer. An individual name is fine too. None of these is wrong, and choosing one for the whole pile removes a decision you do not need to make ninety times.
Things you do not have to do
- Write at length. Two sentences that name the specific thing beats a paragraph that could have gone to anyone.
- Apologise for the delay. Nobody is counting, and an apology invites a reply reassuring you, which is more correspondence you have to have.
- Describe how you are. A thank-you card is not a progress report, and you are allowed to keep that to yourself.
- Do them all yourself. Splitting the pile among siblings or letting a friend take the addressing is normal.
- Finish. If you get through the people who did something practical and stop, that is a complete job. This is not an obligation with a pass mark.
If the pile is very large
After a long life or a well-known death the list can run to two or three hundred, and at that point it stops being a card-writing job and becomes something families genuinely get stuck on for months.
Having them written is an option. We write cards with a real pen, from 100 upwards, with a different message on each one so a card to your mother’s oncologist is not the same card as one to a neighbour. It is not your handwriting and we would not suggest otherwise. Below 100 cards we are not the right answer, and if what you actually need is for someone to sit with you and get through them, that is a better answer than we are.
Australian funeral directors will often help with acknowledgement cards as part of their service, and it is worth asking yours before arranging anything. How we write cards, if it is useful.
Common questions
What do you write in a funeral thank-you card?
Two or three sentences. Thank them for the specific thing they did - coming, the flowers, the food, a donation - and say briefly that it helped. You do not need to write about your grief, and you do not owe anyone an update on how the family is coping.
How long do you have to send funeral thank-you cards?
There is no deadline you can miss. Two to six weeks is the usual guidance, but nobody who sent flowers to a funeral is keeping score, and a card that arrives three months later is received exactly as warmly. If it takes longer, it takes longer.
Who should receive one?
Anyone who did something specific: sent flowers, brought food, made a donation, travelled a distance, spoke, carried the coffin, or helped with the arrangements. People who simply attended do not conventionally need one, though many families send them anyway.
Can you sign on behalf of the whole family?
Yes, and it is the usual convention. "The family of the late Margaret Hill" or simply "The Hill family" is entirely correct and saves the question of whose name goes where.
Is it acceptable for someone else to write them?
Completely. Acknowledgement cards are often written by a sibling, an adult child or a close friend, and nobody receiving one expects to identify the handwriting. Accepting that help is not a failure of feeling.
Further reading
The other guides cover wording, timing and etiquette for acknowledgements more generally.